Monday, October 12, 2009


I am not sure how long I have been falling into darkness. Swirling around in my own negativity, bitterly blaming the world for my descent. Abruptly I hit bottom. It is bitter cold and the air thick with the evils of a mind with no hope. I lay curled up in myself with no evidence of the person I had once been. I was the shell of a once happy woman with dreams and aspirations of grandeur. Slowly I let my demons overtake me and carry my joy away, leaving me here alone in the shadows. I rock back and forth for the strange comfort of repetition. There is no distinction in time here. Every moment has the same repulsive bite of misery.
One day a glimmer of a positive thought nursed in my mind. As it was trying desperately to take full flame, I finally allowed a spark. There was a rustling above. A small hint of light appeared and a hand lowered in a gesture of help. It was feeble, shaking and weak and yet the only speck of strength available. I pondered staying, surely it would not be able to lift my load. It was certain that I would reach out only to be dropped back again. That thought was petrifying but a menacing wind was picking up. It was only one level above me but perhaps it would be warmer. I reached out cautiously and slowly I was raised to the next step. The figure dissipated into the dark never to be revealed.
The hours here were a bit easier. It was indeed slightly warmer but my thoughts still generated a strong force of doubt and lost hope. Time went by with the same results nothing had changed. Or maybe it had, maybe I needed to search for the hand up again. Surely it would come and offer me a chance at salvation. I looked up from that point on, hopeful. Just as I had wished, the help was offered again. This time the hand looked just a bit stronger, still trembling and weak but somehow more powerful. I took hold for my ascent one level higher. Once again without word or acknowledgment the savior fell into shadows.
I didn't stay on that level for long. I knew the secret and was slowly making a way back to myself. Light flowed brighter, the air crisper and cooler with each climb. My helping hand had strengthened immensely and was always there with a warm embrace each time I trusted in my positive mind.
I was at the last level. This time from above I saw two hands. One hand was a cherished friend still a bit weathered, the other strong and youthful. I shivered as I looked down to where I had come from. The darkness overtook me and I could not believe I had survived such an ordeal. Could I risk the fall with the weaker hand or trust in the strength of a strange offering. I grappled with the consequences and had made my decision. I would take the strong hand to assure my safety. I reached out for it and grabbed on to a crumbling facade. As I fell back I saw the trusted hand lean in further over the edge. There revealed was my own image, sobbing profusely with a questioned look. In a moan her words were voiced, "Why did you doubt me again? My strength was there all along!"